Zoos Plus Nozomi Equals Worst Date Ever
by Enya Talisman
Summary: Nico decided to take Nozomi to a date at the zoo since she knew that Nozomi didn't have many trips to the zoo. However, with her beloved meat-loving girlfriend causing trouble left and right... Well, Nico would reconsider a second date at the zoo. If they're allowed to even step a foot into the zoo again that is...


Nozomi: Nicocchi! Where are you bringing me to?

Nico: You'll see Nozomi... You'll see...

Nozomi: Aw~ Such a romantic, hiding from ol' Non-tan the date location huh?

Nico: *Blushes* Shut up shut up _shut up_!

Nozomi: And on my birthday too!

Nico: Gaaaaaaaah!

Nozomi: So cute~ Enya-chan doesn't own anything!

XXXXXX

"Wow Nicocchi, never did I expect you to bring me to a zoo for a date!" Nozomi beamed, having always wanted to go to a zoo but never did (apart from going together with Muse). "Let's see all the animals!"

"Sure sure, I haven't been to the zoo in a long time myself. Hey Nozomi, I got the map." Nico held up a map of the zoo which indicated the locations of the animals.

"That's great! Ahhh but we still have a long way to go before we reach the ticket booth..." Nozomi sighed, tiptoeing to see the line in front of her.

"Well at least we have time to map out the most efficient route to see all the animals." Nico held up a pen, opening the booklet to unfurl a detailed map of the zoo, from the animal enclosures to the nearest medical point for any injuries.

"Ooh I wanna see the pandas!" Nozomi pointed excitedly to the panda enclosure, which was at the opposite end from the entrance/exit.

"We should put that at the end... Oh hey, they have a leopard enclosure too. We should go there too."

"You aren't saying that because it reminds you of Maki-chan right?" Nozomi asked hesitantly, recalling Nico's recent breakup with Maki.

"What?! Hell no, I like leopards too. Plus you don't have to worry, Maki-chan and I broke up cause we both felt that we're better off as best buds." Nico reassured, pecking Nozomi's cheek. "We're next in line Nozomi."

"Ah, tickets for two!" Nozomi turned to the lady at the counter, who was busy tapping on the keyboard furiously.

"So one child and one adult?" The lady asked innocently. Nozomi was about to correct the lady but was interrupted by her spitfire girlfriend who shocked Nozomi greatly.

"Siiiiiis! Can we go in yet? I wanna see the pandas!" Nico whined childishly, stepping on Nozomi's foot purposely.

"Wait for a while more okay Nicocchi? Ah yes, one child and one adult ticket please." Nozomi decided to play along, since Nico herself was acting like a whiny brat.

"Okay, here you go miss. That would be 1500 yen." Nozomi hastily took out 1500 yen and paid the lady, then taking the zoo entrance tickets a second later.

"Let's go already! Pandas!" Nico continued to whine, dragging Nozomi to the entrance gates.

"Okay okay Nicocchi..."

XXXXXX

"I _cannot_ believe that I just did that..." Nico groaned, her heads held by her hands.

"Neither can I. Why did you do that?" Nozomi asked, curious about Nico's previous actions.

"Did you see the price?! Child tickets are a quarter of an adult's! A _quarter_!"

"Oh that's a steal! Nicocchi, if only your calculating skills are good during tests..." Nozomi commented, after doing some fast mental calculations.

"H-Hey! Sheesh, where should we go next...?" Nico opened up the map, pointing to the nearest enclosure to the entrance/exit. "Let's see... The nearest animal is the fox."

"Ahhhhh so cute!" Nozomi pointed to the fox enclosure, where foxes with blond fur and eerily familiar cerulean eyes lazed on a rock.

"Nozomi... I know they look like Eli but still..." Now it was Nico's turn to express her worry, since Nozomi herself broke up with Eli a while ago.

"Nicocchi, I love you more than Elichi. So don't worry. Hey, let's put this on SnapChat!"

"Okay, taking selfie in three... two... one..." Nico snapped a picture of her with Nozomi, and unfortunately a fox in between them. Thankfully the foxes were behind glass panels so imagine the consequences the couple would face if that fox got out.

"Have you uploaded it on your account?" Nozomi asked, laughing at the selfie. "That fox really looks like Elichi being the third wheel yan!"

"What caption you want me to post?" Nico asked, smirking at the selfie while giving the fox the middle finger (to which responded by furious scratching).

"I dunno, up to you Nicocchi." Nico grinned and typed a caption for the selfie. "What did you type?"

"NozoNico at the zoo with a vixen." Nozomi laughed harder at the caption, nearly falling over.

"Oh man Nicocchi, that's the best one yet!"

"We still have more animals to go Nozomi. Which one did you wanna see next?"

"Hmm... How about the..."

XXXXXX

"Tigers. Seriously?" Nico asked, staring blankly at a Bengal tiger. "Of all places, you _just_ have to see the tiger."

"Aww is my widdle Nicocchi scared of a big ol' tiger?" Nozomi pinched Nico's cheek affectionately, the latter scowling in protest.

"No... but I think that tiger likes you..." Nico pointed to the tiger, who was dangerously close to Nozomi. Where the hell do they put glass panels when people need it the most?!

"It's friendly!" Nozomi petted the tiger, who purred in contentment.

"Miss! Do not touch the tiger, she may bite!" A zookeeper called out from the distance, worried purple eyes glazing at Nozomi's hand.

"Oh sorry miss..." Nozomi squinted to look at the zookeeper's name tag, which read 'Matsuura'. "... Matsuura? I won't do it again."

"It's fine, just please don't-" The zookeeper's reminder was cut off by another zookeeper's frantic yelling.

"Kanan! A wild rabbit escaped! Hurry up and help me find the bloody animal!" The second zookeeper, who had teal-coloured eyes, yelled at Matsuura.

"Okay okay I heard ya Dia. Sheesh, I came to Tokyo to experience the modern life and enjoy animals... not to find one..." The two zookeepers ran off, leaving Nico and Nozomi alone with the tiger. Or so they thought...

"What the? Is this the rabbit they're looking for?!" Nico felt a soft sensation on her ankle, looking down revealed an unnaturally blue rabbit. "Are rabbits supposed to be blue...?"

"She reminds me of Umi-chan!"

"Yeah yeah and that tiger reminds you of Rin right...?"

"That's it! Nicocchi, take another picture with lily white in it!" Nozomi held up the rabbit by the ears, the latter starting to writhe about upon seeing the tiger.

"Meeeeep!" The rabbit cried out as the tiger opened her jaws.

"C'mon, before the rabbit is eaten up by the tiger!"

"What the hell... Okay you three, strike a pose and three... two... one..." Nico snapped a picture, showing it to Nozomi.

"Oh wow, Rin-chan was about to eat Umi-chan!" The picture revealed the tiger attempting to take a bite out of the poor rabbit. "Hey, lemme put the caption this time!"

"Whatevs... I better return the rabbit to the zookeepers..." Nico sighed, she just wanted a peaceful date at the zoo with Nozomi.

"Hm? 'Kay, now what should I put..." Nozomi mumbled to herself, sending the picture with a caption on to SnapChat. While Nozomi raced off to find Nico, the remaining seven idol members received updates on Nico's and Nozomi's date at the zoo. Among the seven, so far only two had rather... extreme reactions from the two pictures uploaded.

 _"What in the world?! How dare they feed me to a tiger?!"_

 _"So not harasho Nico... I'm not a vixen... I'm cute and clever Elichika!"_

XXXXXX

"And remind me why are we watching a fat lazy bear eat honey for almost 20 minutes straight?" Nico grumbled, throwing some bread at the bear despite standing right beside a sign that said 'No feeding the bear, it's already overweight as it is...'."

"Says you who's feeding a happy Honoka." Nozomi pointed out, the bear happily wagging her short stubby tail as she waited for Nico to provide her with the glutenous treat.

"Tch, hey take a picture of me getting a rare chance to feed a bear."

"Say cheese then Nicocchi~" Nozomi snapped a picture with Nico and the bear. Nozomi then uploaded the picture, showing it to Nico afterwards. "How's the caption?"

"Brilliant. Though I feel that we could make our date better by looking at the animals normally...?" The caption read 'Nicocchi feeding Honoka bread. Honoka loves honey with bread yan!'

"Hey you two! Don't feed the animals!" The second zookeeper from before stormed up to them, snatched the pack of bread and tossed them into a nearby bin. "Can't you guys read the sign?!"

"Miss..." The duo took a look at the name tag, which read Kurosawa. "... Dia Kurosawa? I'll tell my sister to not feed the bear again."

"But the bear looks hungry!" Nico childishly protested. Unbeknownst to the trio, the bear had already climbed out of its enclosure and started to approach Dia.

"Grrrrr..." The bear snarled angrily, most likely displeased that Dia threw away her treat from a tiny bread goddess. Soon, the bear was chasing after Dia who wore tattered work clothes.

" _KANAN!_ Get yourself right here and save me from this stupid bear!"

"D-Dia?! W-Woaaaaah!" Kanan was soon breaking out into a run after the bear locked sights on both the zookeepers. Nozomi watched on in amusement while Nico sighs in sympathy.

"Let's take a picture of them!" Nozomi suggested, already typing out a caption for the recently taken picture. "Nicocchi, what do you think?"

"... Can this date get any worse...?"

XXXXXX

"No. No way in hell are we getting close to a Kotori-like bird." Nico folded her arms, glaring at the said bird. "I know what are _you_ up to."

"Chun~?" The bird chirped, tilting her head slightly.

"Aww~ Koto-chan looks so cute!" Nozomi cooed, making Nico facepalm.

"No. No birds. We still have the deers, leopards, raccoons and the pandas to look at."

"Awwww... Pleeeeeeease?"

"Gah, fine... I give you 20 minutes to look at the bird. I'll be heading to the polar bear exhibition..." Nico relented, Nozomi can be persuasive with her begging if she wants to.

"Yay! Thanks Nicocchi! You're the best!" Nozomi kissed Nico on the lips before ushering her to the said enclosure. "Oh and Nicocchi?"

"Yeah?"

"I didn't know that you liked to see polar bears stripping~"

"FUCK OFF NOZOBOOBS." Nico then stormed her way to the polar bear enclosure, only seeing one polar bear. "Seriously, there's just one?"

"Yeah, a lazy one to boot too." A girl with short black hair with two sideburns going sideways instead downwards replied. "What's the famous Nico Yazawa of Muse doing here?"

"On a date with Nozomi. Who the hell are you to talk to someone like that anyways?" Nico asked, taken aback by the girl's tone towards Nico.

"Just someone... lazing around with the laziest polar bear on Earth while worrying about her studies." The girl replied, sighing as she stared at the polar bear. "The songs you guys make are nice."

"Yeah, not enough of Nico-nii though."

"There's enough nicotine in this world, making anymore would be criminal."

"If I didn't know any better, I would say that you're picking me up."

"Not really, just making puns. But seriously, I need a Nico-nii in my life."

"Hmm, why?"

"Cause you're associated with happiness, and I really need some in my life." The girl sighed, a wry smile on her face. "What the hell am I doing, talking shit to an idol about my personal problems..."

"It's fine, you should just let it all out. Sometimes it's better to let it out to someone than to keep it bottled inside." Nico advised, scooting closer to the girl.

"... Well there's a lot of stress lately."

"Go on."

"And well, it's starting to get to me. I'm also facing a lot of... friction within my peers?"

"Anything else?"

"My whole life is full of lies I tell to society. Oh and I'm wondering about my sexuality but that's on the farthest back-burner..."

"I see. Well if you wanna take advice from someone who faced a hell lot of bullshit from the world, I would just suggest that you don't give up. I mean, yeah anyone can tell you that but it's still something. Everyone would face problems in life, you're just one of those who face them slightly early on. There are others facing 'em waaaay ahead of ya, so don't pity yourself. You heard of the cheesy saying right?"

"Which one?"

"When there's a will, there's a way."

"Oh that one."

"Yeah so since there's a will, you _will_ bash that negativity outta your head." Nico did her signature pose, hoping to ease the mood between herself and the unexpected moody stranger.

"Thanks Nico Yazawa. Actually, your songs are always motivational. I like listening to them."

"Well I am a Super Idol! Oh and regarding your sexuality..."

"Yeah?"

"Imagine yourself kissing both genders. Or making out with the hottest person on the planet."

"Cool. Where's Nozomi Tojo though?"

"Ahhh right, she's at the bird area and I'm supposed to go get her." Nico started to head for the exit.

"Uh, I advise you not to." The girl grabbed Nico's arm suddenly, shaking her head slightly. "Trust me, you're better off staying here for a while more."

"And why do I have to-" Screams were heard from outside, though they didn't belong to Nozomi. Nico then saw Dia running away from the bear with something blue on her back _and_ the bird who was pecking the zookeeper. (Hold on, was the blue thing on the bear's back the same blue rabbit from before?!) "Uh..."

"The bird is violent, I got pecked by that bloody thing a while ago."

"Yeeeeah so if the zookeepers come after me for this incident, don't tell me that I'm with the psycho who is taking pictures of them and uploading it to SnapChat." The girl looked up, only to see Nozomi happily chasing after the animals with her phone in hand.

"Uh, sure. I'll cover ya..."

XXXXXX

"Nicocchi! You missed out on so much just now!" Nozomi giggled, feeding a deer some grains of rice.

"Uh, I would rather have a serious conversation with a stranger than see what the hell happened to the zookeeper just now." Nico replied, snapping a picture of the deer getting fed by Nozomi. "I'm so done with this shit that I'm not fucking complaining about us breaking the rules left and right..."

"Geez, it's fun! Have a little joy in your life!"

"Y'know, where the hell did you get the rice...?"

"Hm? Oh I bought it at a nearby convenience store!" Nozomi pointed to one, stunning Nico momentarily.

"Now that's what I call convenience..."

"Okay, we fed Hanayo-chan! Now who's next?"

"The leopard. Let's go, the raccoons and pandas are opposite each other so we can visit 'em last."

"Yaaaaaay it's Maki-chan!" Nozomi ran towards the leopard enclosure, with Nico following behind.

"Y'know, I don't think this leopard is happy to see you..." Nico pointed out, deadpanning at the leopard's bored face. "I know leopard, Nozomi's an idiot."

"Hey! Geez, we should take a picture with Maki-chan!"

"Okay, but I'm not going to be the one inside the picture." Nico held up her phone, preparing to take a picture of Nozomi with the leopard.

"Alrighty~ Maki-chan, say tomato!" The leopard seemed to scowl before a bright flash blinded the poor animal.

"You two! Why must you make trouble for me...?" Kanan approached them, a weary look on her face.

"Oh shit, forgotten to switch off the flash..." Nico groaned, swiping the flash mode off. "Sorry miss, won't do it again."

"Oops, it's starting to rain! Nicocchi, let's go take shelter!"

"Yeah, I'm hungry too. Oh hey, there's a Pizza Hut place in this zoo. Nozomi, wanna go there?"

"Sure! I can't wait to eat some chicken wings!"

"Yeah yeah, let's run there before we get soaking wet."

"Aw I don't mind if you're soaking wet Nic-"

"JUST GET TO THE SHELTER RIGHT NOW!" Kanan suddenly yelled, scaring the couple off to the restaurant. "Ahhhh Leo-chan, why do they want me to lose my cool...?"

"..." The leopard stared blankly at the zookeeper, before placing a paw on Kanan's shoulder in an attempt to console her.

"Thanks Leo-chan..."

XXXXXX

"Ahhh safe from the rain..." Both Nico and Nozomi sighed in contentment at the warm temperature of the restaurant.

"Oh it's you, I see that you're reunited with Nozomi Tojo." The same stranger from the polar bear enclosure entered the safe haven, a frown on her face.

"Ah it's you, taking shelter from the rain?" Nico asked, taking a menu from a nearby table. "Hmm, what to eat..."

"Nicocchi, do you know her?" Nozomi whispered, slightly unnerved by the girl's expression. "She... looks like an emo..."

"Don't be rude. And yes, I know her. We met at the polar bear enclosure."

"I-I see..."

"Hey, you're having your meal here right?" Nico turned to the girl, menu still open in her hands. "Wanna join us?"

"Not really... I rather not be a third wheel here."

"Whatevs. Hey lady, table for three here!" Nico called out to a staff member, who then ushered the trio to a table.

"Soup of the day is cream of chicken." The staff member informed the trio, then walked away.

"So, what do you guys wanna have?"

"I wanna have chicken wings!" Nozomi beamed, she loved meat, not just yakiniku.

"Hmm... I want a Truffle Mushroom, iced lemon tea, a soup of the day, a personal pepperoni pizza and 10 pieces of chicken wings." The girl ordered, looking up from her menu only to be met with a horrified look. "What?"

"How the hell are you able to eat so much?! You're tiny!" Nico gasped, utterly shocked that the girl (who was around Nico's height) could eat so much. "Who _are_ you?! Takeru Kobayashi?!"

"Uh no, I go by the name Fate. And no, I'm not that guy. What I just ordered is what I usually eat at Pizza Hut..." The girl replied, looking through the menu. "Yeah, that's all."

"Fate as in Fate Testarossa?" Nozomi asked cheekily, pouting after failing to receive the expected look on the girl's face.

"No, in Mandarin fate can be read as 'yuán'. I have no idea why does Google Translate always translate my name to 'edge'..."

"Nicocchi! I have an idea! Let's have an eating competition! Whoever can eat the most chicken wings within a stipulated amount of time will win something!"

"Win what...?" Nico eyed her girlfriend suspiciously, she didn't like the sound of it...

"Hmm... A plushie at the souvenir shop?"

"Actually I don't want anything..." Fate sighed, all she wanted was to take shelter from the rain and to enjoy a meal in peace. Now she was dragged into a competition that she didn't want to have a part in it.

"A plushie...? Seriously Nozomi...?"

"How about this, the winner won't have to pay for the chicken wings at all." Fate suggested, preferring the option of one of the competitors saving a few bucks (actually a lot) on her meal.

"Deal! I won't lose Fate Testarossa!" Nozomi smirked, confident that she would win. _'There's no way that I would lose as a meat-lover!'_

"Oh dear..." Nico sighed and beckoned a staff member over, telling her about the competition and what they needed.

 _'This doesn't bode well at all...'_

XXXXXX

"I think I'm gonna hurl..." Nozomi moaned as she sat on a bench. "How could I have lost...?"

"Hey you did pretty well." Nico consoled her girlfriend. In her opinion, 43 pieces of chicken wings wasn't an easy feat.

"But she even finished my share...! Like, she ate 47!"

"She did say that if she ate her usual meal, she wouldn't be able to eat that many..."

"True... Urgh... What time is it?" Nico glanced at her wristwatch, the watch reading 4.40pm.

"Ah shit, zoo closes in 20 minutes." Nozomi stood up, wobbling after getting up. "Damn it, rest a little more will ya?"

"I'm... fine... Let's go to the last two animals..."

"Well technically, we're already in between 'em." Nico brought Nozomi's attention to the two enclosures, on the left was the raccoon enclosure and on the right was the pandas.

"You're right Nicocchi! Say, when did you get so fat?" Nozomi asked, though not to Nico but to a panda. "Chubby Nicocchi~"

"Nozomi..." Nico groaned, she couldn't believe her eyes that her girlfriend who was on the verge of throwing up was healthy enough to crack jokes. Worse still, with a fatso of a panda nonetheless as the great Nico-nii put it.

"Awww~ So cute!" Nozomi then took a picture with said panda, uploading it on to SnapChat.

"What the..." Nico had received the picture Nozomi had just taken, and it made Nico jealous. "What the hell do you mean 'Zoo date with Nicocchi' when _I'm_ not even inside?!"

"Eh? Ahhh a panda escaped!" Nozomi decided to tease Nico, wanting to see more of Nico's expression.

"Okay, I had enough." Nozomi expected her petite girlfriend to storm out of the zoo right that instant, but was totally off guard by Nico's actions.

"N-Nicocchi...?" Nico held up a raccoon from the raccoon enclosure, a devilish smirk on her face. "W-What you going to do with that raccoon...?"

"Nothing~" Nico sang and snapped a shot of her with her furry partner. Nozomi's phone soon received an update from Nico's account, the caption for the most recent picture reading as 'Zoo date with Nozomi'.

"Ahahaha... Sheesh Nicocchi, you don't have to take revenge li-" Nozomi's phone dropped to the ground with a resounding clack. Right before her eyes, _her_ Nicocchi was kissing a furry mammal _just_ to spite her.

"Gyaaaaaah! You! Put that raccoon down! Oh god, you! Stop your sister or whoever she is from kissing that raccoon!" Kanan ran over to them, separating Nico from the raccoon but was too late to prevent Nico from snapping one last picture of her kissing the furry mammal.

"Kanan, what the hell happened _this_ time?!" Dia stormed over to Kanan, glaring at Nico. "Not you again pipsqueak. What did you do now?"

"S-S-S-She kissed a raccoon! D-Dia!" Dia stared at Nico, then back to Kanan.

"Huh?"

"She. Kissed. A. Raccoon!"

"You...! Gah! God damn it!" Ten minutes later, Nico and Nozomi were outside of the zoo.

"Welp, now you've done it. Thanks to you, we're officially banned from the zoo." Nico sighed, staring back into the zoo.

"What?! _You_ were the one who caused us to be banned!" Nozomi retorted, shocked that she was the one getting blamed.

"Hey, if you didn't try to make me jealous, we wouldn't be outside five minutes the closing time."

"I uh... You're right." Nozomi sighed, she really hated it when she was clearly at fault. "Sorry Nicocchi."

"It's okay. So what if you ruined our date big time? At least it's pretty memorable." Nico said, holding up her phone once more. "Wanna take one last selfie and upload it on SnapChat?"

"Sure! You ready?" The couple got into position, snapping their last selfie for the day.

"Oh boy, I'm gonna give the best headliner _ever_!" Nico typed furiously on her phone, before tucking it back into her handbag and heading for the closest train station to get back to Akihabara. Their last selfie for that day consisted the couple and Kanan at the back holding up a board at the back, black marks hastily scribbled on until nothing could be read.

Nico's 'best' headliner for that particular selfie, read; _'Zoos+Nozomi=Worst date EVER!'_

XXXXXX

Nico: I get the feeling that the ending's a bit messed up...

Nozomi: Well, who asked you to kiss a raccoon when you have me?

Nico: Look, I told you that YOU were th-

Nozomi: Not listening~

Nico: Fuck this. Credits to the stranger who went along with Nozomi's shit. And those two zookeepers that we both trashed.

Nozomi: Hey! Anyways, thanks for reading~

Nico: Next time, I'll take you to an aquarium instead...

(By the way, the words on the board at the end actually read 'You guys aren't actually banned from the zoo' if you guys want to know...)


End file.
